Wednesday, April 29, 2015

WTF Was That?!

IUI #5 was a bust. 
But it definitely wasn't a simple BFN...
About 9dpiui and 7dpt (booster shot) 
I began testing so that I could 
make sure the second booster was gone. 
for two days I watched it fade to nothing. 
On the third day I switched to FRER 
and got a faint line. 
I kept my cool knowing that I had switched 
brands and that it could still be the trigger.
The next day I took another one,
it was darker. So as any POAS addict would 
I held my pee and took a pm test. 
Darker again. 
Day 4 even darker... 
I kept testing and the tests kept slightly increasing..
By friday I knew there was no way 
I could make it through the weekend with out a BETA test. 
So off I went, 4 hours later one of my favorite nurses
called to say that while my HCG count was technically positive
at a 12
we should be cautiously optimistic because there 
was always a chance that it was still the booster shot. 
In my head I had convinced myself it couldn't be. 
I mean I tested out that shot. 
I saw it turn negative
So in we go to the weekend..
By Sunday I had driven myself so crazy 
that I went and bought a digital.. 
I mean if my numbers were rising it would surely 
show up on a digital right?! 
So I used second morning urin and took the digy
with in 3 minutes it popped up 
Woooowhoooo I thought!
my levels have to be over 25! 
So Monday rolls around 
and I go in for another BETA..
The longest 6 hours of my life go by 
and finally my phone rings. 
My stomach drops and my heart is in my throat
I contemplated letting it go to voice mail. 
But I answered. 
I knew as soon as she spoke. 
Her tone was soft and sad. 
I'm so sorry. were the first words out of her mouth. 
I kept it together for the first couple of minutes 
as she explained that my HCG had dropped to 6 
and that my period probably had not started
because I was supplementing with progesterone. 
She said I needed to go ahead and stop taking that. 
Then she went on to say that we were still 
set for IVF and that we had time to do one more IUI...
and that's when I lost it. 
All of the emotions hit me at once, 
The first one was Anger. 
Then sadness. 
Then fear. 
She began to cry with me.. 
just repeating over and over I'm so sorry. 
She talked to me a few more minutes before we 
finally said goodbye, I had caught my breath 
and was able to focus. 

I wasn't alone when the call came and I am so thankful for that
I had spent the day with my sister in law and my twin nieces 
we were on our way to get some ice cream, help take my mind off 
the impending phone call. 

The rest of the day I just felt sad. 
I had prayed more than I ever have in my life. 
I for once felt so close to god. 
I felt like he had seen our struggles and was 
ready to bless us. 
My sadness turned to anger. 
Anger at Him anger at my body.
Anger at the whole fucked up situation. 
I moved passed the anger pretty quickly 
and my mind jumped straight to fear. 
This was our last attempt before IVF. 
IVF scares the shit out of me. 
It's not the meds or the shots or the price that scare me. 
Its the failure. 
It's the off chance you end up with low to no eggs 
at retrieval. 
It's that wait for the phone call that lets you know
How many  if any of
your embryos survived.
It's the PGD testing that takes additional weeks.
It's that phone call to say if you have normal 
healthy embryos. 
It's the "What IF" It doesn't work. 
what if none of it works. 
Then what?
That question brings tears to my eyes 
and turns my stomach. 

Today I am in a better place.
I have found my strength and started to look 
at the positives in everything. 
We are taking a trip to Florida in June before 
IVF in july. I am hoping this vacation 
will help us relax and get our minds in a really good spot. 
 I meet with the anesthesiologist on May 13th. 
I assume he will be the one to deem me "fit" for the procedure. 
and from there we get our schedule and order our meds. 
I know we can do this. I know I can do this. 
It's going to take more inner strength than ever before 
but it can and will be done. 
I will update after our meeting and leave you with some pictures
of my HPTS from this last cycle...
 I want you to see how crazy dark a line can be 
for an HCG of 12 and 6!!! 

All above tests had an HCG of somewhere between 6 and 12!!! 
the CB Digital was taken 6 hours before my hcg count of a 6!
Those tests are supposed to pick up 25 to 200! not 6!

Monday, April 6, 2015

IUI 5!

Holy Hell how is it already April 6th?!
April 1st came and went and I survived. 
I'm pretty sure I will always hate that day. 
I can't believe it's been 3 years since we lost our 3rd angel
and I find it even harder to believe that we are still on 
this shit ass roller coaster! 
In 3 months it will be an entire year since our 4th loss. 
It' absolutely insane to me how fast time passes. 
Tomorrow is CD14 and I will go for my second follicle scan.
My scan on Friday showed 1 lead at 14mm and
2 more not far behind.. So we will get to peek at those tomorrow
and hopefully they will be ready for trigger and IUI number FIVE 
on Wednesday! Five freaking IUI's that's just crazy. 
I am praying so hard that this IUI works. 
If it doesn't...were already on the list for IVF in early July.
The thought of it makes me want to puke. 
I know I can do it physically. 
I have no problem with needles or injections. 
But the hormones, The OHSS risk and the uncertainty of the entire thing 
scares the living shit out of me. 
I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there! 
So for now fingers toes legs arms eye balls crossed 
that IUI#5 is our lucky charm! 

Tuesday, March 24, 2015


Well IUI # 4 was a bust..
I would like to say I'm surprised but I'm not. 
The 2ww is always weird for me.. 
the first week its like oh ya this is it! 
and the second weeks it's like F*^$ it didn't work..
Then Beta day comes and I'm either cramping 
or bleeding so I know I'm out. 
I will say though that this office 
has got me in such a better place. 
I love my nurses and I love my dr. 
We go back Tuesday for a baseline. 
We will be doing another IUI while we get 
on the list for IVF.. 
(The office is new so IVF isn't offered until May) 
We will talk about adding injectables 
and trying to boost the amount of eggs I'm producing 
to better our odds. 
In the meantime we will be adding our names on the IVF 
list and getting everything in line for May.. 
Thanks for the prayers and well wishes on this last cycle!
Here we go again... 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015


Today is 1dpIUI number 4!~
Our first IUI with our new Dr. 
It went excellent! 
It did hurt a bit more than before 
and I feel like I cramped longer 
but it was probably because I stayed 
home from work all day and had nothing 
to do except symptom spot! 
Scott's sample was great and I think 
that had a lot to do with a few key factors...
He has now been a non smoker for 8 weeks!
he cut back on his caffeine intake January 1 
He has been taking CoQ10, Fertile Aid for Men, 
a mens one a day and  fiber since January.
I had one lead follicle that was a 19.5 on Friday, 
We triggered Saturday night so hopefully it gave it time 
to grow a bit more! I ovulated from my Left side this month. 
My lining was nice and plush at a 12mm
I have been drinking POM juice and am starting my Pineapple
sometime tonight or tomorrow. 
I am trying my hardest to use my power of positive thinking, 
visioning it working and what is happening inside my body right now. 
I keep telling myself I am making a baby. 
Everything is where it should be and I am now making a baby.
Wednesday I start prednisone for my elevated NK cells
and I will take the "Booster" shot to help 
increase my progesterone and keep everything nice and cozy.
This means absolutely no POAS!
I will have bloodwork Monday the 16th to check
progesterone and then Monday the 23rd will be
Man I hope this works! 
Fingers Crossed!!! 
Dont forget you can follow me on IG 
to see real time updates on our cycle! 

Monday, March 2, 2015

CD Eleven... IUI Four

This morning went well, 
I had my follicle scan today on CD 11
the left side is taking charge 
with 3 lead follicles 
16mm, 12mm and 11mm 
I go back on Wednesday to check their growth. 

My lab tests came back as well. 
Everything looked great, 
my ovarian reserve is good, thank god. 
and my "pcos'ieness" came back 
slightly elevated. 
Dr. G thinks these insulin levels maybe 
what has been causing my miscarriages. 
when your insulin levels are high you have 
a 50% chance of miscarriage. . . . 
why the F*&^@ didn't anyone 
ever push this information in my face before?!
I have been on Metformin yes. 
and anyone who has been on metformin 
knows how lovely it is. So I must admit
when we weren't cycling I was pretty lax on taking it. 
If I would have known that all along it could 
have been affecting my ability to carry a baby 
I would have been taking that shit like it was my job. 
ugh..-_- Now I know.....
So were hoping that this increased dose 
of metformin along with the other supplements 
we can control my levels and have a healthy pregnancy. 
We will determine the date for IUI #4 on Wednesday. 
I am hoping they all three step up their game 
and are ready for trigger Wednesday night!
In other news..
I am down 11lbs and 2 points off my BMI 
after 30 full days of Carb Free / Gluten Free 
I'm pretty pumped about these numbers! :) 
Carb free isn't fun. 
The first 3 days of headaches were killer 
but it eventually got better. 
Now my only real challenges are..
Dinning out.. 
Eating dinner at someones house..
getting to the starvation point..

Dining out I've learned is all mental..
for example..
I went to Fridays on Friday lol..
for a work meeting and chose to get 
the sizzling chicken and shrimp which 
just so happens to come with a side of mashed carbs potatoes
so while looking at the menu I was like ok no big deal 
I can just sub it out for broccoli..
but as we waited for the server my mind crept to dark places..
"what if I "forget" to say no mashed potatoes" 
"I mean their already on my plate I should just eat them" 
"How many carbs can there really be in mashed potatoes" 
"No no no, no mashed potatoes just say broccoli"
So the server returns to the table and I raise my hand 
to order first because I know if I don't get the word broccoli
out of my mouth now I'm going to end up with a 
belly full of potatoes and a guilty mind. 
So broccoli it was.. and when It came to the table I  
was so happy I made the right choice!
Eating at peoples houses is more of a challenge
to me than dinning at a restaurant!
I mean you don't want to be rude. 
But you also don't want to go into full detail 
about why you can't eat their display of carbs.. 
I try to go straight for the veggie tray. 
Eating before starvation has been tricky
when you aren't eating carbs you are eating 
A LOT more food. vegetables are great 
but as for filling, you get an hour or two out of them
protein is where its at, it fills you up and keeps you full
but when it starts to wear off, you're hungry almost instantly
and when that happens those bad thoughts start to creep back in..
"maybe I'll just grab a wrap.." 
"Chicken nuggets are quick they can't be that bad" 
I've learned I must have crave curber's with me at all times.
Bag of mixed nuts, a string cheese, some yogurt 
something to keep my brain entertained until I can get home to cook. 
Speaking of Cook...
That's the other challenge of this new lifestyle
almost everything must be cooked or prepared. 
I love cooking I hate cleaning.. 
there for I dread making a mess. 
and 9 times out of 10 I clean before I cook 
and then after I cook. Which is too much cleaning for me. 
But I am almost always satisfied with every meal. 
I finish eating what ever it is I have just slaved over 
and think, That was so worth it. 
One thing I've lacked is working out. 
I have to take things in small doses. 
And changing your life to carb free gluten free 
is a huge F*^#$ing deal.. 
So the gym misses me...but I'll get there. 
I swear.

If your the praying type we would 
appreciate some prayer for our 4th IUI 
coming up at the end of the week! 
If not well wishes will do just as good! :)
Thanks So Much!! 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

New Dr. Whoop Whoop

Hey! It's been a hot minute..
We have a new RE!
Well he's kinda new :)
He actually left the hell hole old office 
to start his own practice! 
I had no clue until my OB suggested him!
We were blown away with our first apt, 
everyone was so nice and polite 
the waiting area was decorated beautifully 
with a complementary coffee/snack bar..
I'm pretty sure that was Scott's favorite part ;)
We went over a lot of history and discussed 
a few options..
First up on the list was new labs, 
second was a baseline to see what my pcos looked like
Clomid and IUI we meet again. 
I know what your thinking..
because I thought the same thing too.. 
but there were so many factors that we didn't 
take into consideration with our previous IUI's 
Also Dr. G is in the process of moving buildings 
so IVF is off the table until May when his 
entire facility is set up! 
Which I may add will be a one stop shop!
he is going to have his own embryo lab there for gods sake!
For now.
We are proceeding with 150mg of clomid
two doses of Orvidel one to trigger ovulation 
and the other to boost progesterone...
Hello why didn't anyone think of that 4+ years ago?!
ending with IUI..
I happen to get lucky because my apt fell during the week 
AF was due. 
AF showed Friday and I went in Monday for my 
Baseline, He said my pcos looks very "under control"
Thank you carb free eating and metformin
So no waiting for us! 
I am on day 2 of clomid and go in Monday for 
a follicle check!
We haven't cycled in so long it feels good 
to feel like we are actually doing something more.
Crossing our fingers that this round works 
If we get to May with no pregnancy we will be 
doing IVF!

Were scared. excited. nervous. hopeful. and joyful 

Follow us on IG at TTC.BabyWarrick
to see what were doing daily :)

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Silly Me...

I read my last post and laughed. 
The hope I always hold month after month..
Ohhhh Ahhh EWCM this will be the month!
So stupid. 
I'm in a weird place right now. 
I'm in limbo, 
I was set and ready to start IVF in March
I have talked with the Nurses and the plan is a go. 
But now I'm second guessing my choices. 
I hate this office. 
I just took a minute to read back 
through my blog and turns out I've hated them 
since 2012...Its 2015...
what the hell is wrong with me?
Why have I stuck around so long?
I know why. It's because I'm fearful 
of starting over with a new RE.. 
I HATE going to new doctors..
I HATE going over every shitty situation that has 
occurred in the last 5 year...
I just don't want to do it. 
But on the other hand. I want a baby. 
I want to make my husband a father 
and my parents and in laws grandparents...
I tell myself it comes down to how 
bad do you want it. 

I posted a long post on my TTC_Babywarrick IG account
you are welcome to read... 
But to sum it up. 
I am going to see my OB on moday..
I trust him, 
I am comfortable with him. 
and after my last miscarriage he promised to 
help me in any way he could. 
I value his opinion..
and in my opinion he helped me get pregnant 
this last time..after 6 short months of seeing him...
Dr. B on the other hand...
3 years...a million ultrasounds,
3 IUI's injections and so on 
and nothing...not one single BFP..
That has to speak volumes..
and now im ready to listen.
I will update after my appointment Monday 
if there is anyone out there that still reads this..
and you're the praying type send one up for us..