Wednesday, November 12, 2014

CD92

I take it as a bad sign 
when my Ovia App is filled with question marks.
as if it were saying WTF...
the "gift" of the 2ww ended up being an empty box. 
But that's okay because at the end of that wait
I received a gift of different sorts 
My beautiful Sister in law gave birth to her twins! 
I'm officially an Aunt! 
Of twin....
...
......
...
GIRLS!!!
I couldn't love them more! 
They are beautiful and strong and healthy 
and they are bound to be spoiled rotten by 
their Auntie A :)

I called Dr. D to get my script 
of provera and to my surprise 
he added a script of clomid! ;) 
Out of the 3494156143 treatments 
we have done over the years,
the 150mg of clomid seem to be the only 
ones that work..
So cross your fingers this round is a go!
Now if AF would just show her lovely 
face so that we can get this show on the road!

In other news it's beginning to look a lot like 
Christmas!!
with the chill in the air and the gingerbread melts 
in the warmer, I decided it was time to put 
up the tree! :)
I know, I know...
Don't forget about thanksgiving.
and I haven't I am just the type 
of person that likes the them to coincide.

I'll be back in a few weeks hopefully 
with some great news!!

Stay warm lovelies! ♥ 








Friday, October 17, 2014

An Empty Follow Up..Followed By A Gift

The follow up with my RE 
resulted in nothing. 
No information as to what went wrong on July 2nd. 
apparently the lab in Florida stated that 
the "product of conception" was 
not in fact my "product of conception" 
therefor resulting in no testing. 
No answers. 
Just more WTF's being tossed around. 
There has to be answer
there has to be some test that hasn't 
been done. There has to be a reason 
I can't stay pregnant. 
It's unbelievable to me sometimes 
to sit and think that we have 4 angel babies in heaven. 
FOUR! how is that even possible. 
Why is that even possible?!?!

There is something else I need to clear up
for my own piece of mind. 
Something I need to write out and hope that it makes sense. 
I'm a recurrent miscarrier. 
I'm labeled infertile. 
I'm strong and a fighter. 
I'm Human..I get sad and jealous.  
 I am also happy. 
I am happy for those that 
are deserving of pregnancy, and motherhood.
I am angry and jealous of those who are not. 
The ones who treat their pregnancy as a burden.

I guess what I am trying to say is
I am happy and over joyed
for the ones that I love who are expecting.

For the ones that I know
that are undeserving of their current state...
I want to run over you with my new hummer! :)


Anywayss....

I went to my OBGYN on Monday
Dr. D
and I was reminded again why I love him!
I was actually there for my "yearly" and
to pick up a script of provera since I am currently on
CD 66!
we talked for a while about
what went wrong with my last pregnancy.
He told me that Dr. B screwed up
when it came to my progesterone...
he should have noticed the drop from
27 to 21 and been overly concerned.
But he wasn't...His staff kept saying,
Oh as long as it's over 21 you are fine...
Dr. D said F that Bull...
"I would have tripled your dose!"
He also stated that he wanted an Auto Immune test
ran on me asap. I honestly don't think Dr. B
ever did that! Or ever even thought about it.
As Dr. D was about to do
my pap. he interrupted me mid sentence and said...
  "Look at this! I see the Owls eye!"
"You my dear.. are ovulating!"
"You see this?!"
As he holds two tools above me
stretching egg white cervical mucus
as far as he could!
"4 or more inches my dear means you
definitely have an egg ready and waiting!"
I was shocked and silent in disbelief
"How?! Seriously!? I'm like 2 months late for my period?!"
Why?! How?!"
His reply covered me in chills...
"Sometimes we get a gift
& today you've received a special gift" 
He wrapped up the exam and gave me instructions
to go home and get to work..
Today I am 4 days past ovulation
ovulation that occurred on it's own.
I hope and pray that maybe this gift
will be the one that brings us home our baby.

So here's to being in the midst of
2ww!
Hey Infertility... Thanks for making me a fighter! :) 









Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Kittens!!

Because who doesn't love 
a post filled with pictures of adorable kittens!! 
Meet the Miniscraps! 
(from left to right)
Kit(cat) Tungo Dungo and Meowingtons

Meowingtons and Tungo 
Miss Kit Cat she's the runt and a Momma's girl!
 Mr. Tungo Dungo

We kept them in a pac n play until they were 
big enough to climb out! 

& Their most recent picture! 
They are tiny toddler brats! haha
Tungo's face fits his personality to a T! 

And here are some hilarious videos of the Trio in action!



video



Monday, July 21, 2014

Wombs For Rent...

It's simply amazing to me the amount of 
offers I have received on renting a womb!
Five very close friends and relatives have now 
offered me their space for rent! 
The generosity brings tears to my eyes 
and tugs at my heart. 
How could they be so kind? 
I hate to admit it but I could never offer my womb
maybe it's because I have yet to have children of my own?
Maybe it's because I haven't experienced the wonders of being really pregnant?
Maybe it's because I yearn to feel a baby kick and wiggle inside my belly?
I really don't know. 
But I do know that I am beyond thankful for these offers. 
Words can't describe the feeling I get
 to know the love these woman have for me. 
So would I rent a womb?
and who's womb would I pick?!
I've thought about it before. I have. 
But I am just not ready to end the fight. 
I want to carry my own child. 
I don't feel completely defeated yet. 
and until I do, I'll just keep on trying. 
As for who's womb I would pick. 
That's a VERY hard question to answer. 
Each of these woman is special to me in different ways 
I love them all dearly. 
I fear I would upset the others by picking one. 
I guess if it ever comes down to it, the final picks 
will be drawn from a hat?!?! 
Really though how would you pick? 
As for updates on my womb...
It's just hanging out..
ovulating and such..
ya. you read that right. 
I ovulated.. already.. 
I had all the symptoms and I just kept thinking 
there is no way? No freaking way?
But after much googling, a call to my nurse and a positive opk
I found out it's very true and its 100% possible. 
So that's cool. 
I guess?
Although I most likely wont ovulate again on my own 
for months, hell maybe even years. 

I haven't officially picked a new Dr. yet
there are 3 that we are trying to decided on.
But I just don't feel ready to pick up the phone
and make that dreaded first appointment. 
I mean how many times can I tell my story 
over and over and over again. Each time reliving 
the moments in time I beg to forget?
I just need a little more time.

Thanks for all the comments and emails 
on my last two posts! It's so great to know you're all still 
here rooting us on!! Much love to each and everyone of you!! 


XoXo The Warricks~

Monday, July 14, 2014

Just Keep Swimming


Well my ultrasound with Dr. B this morning 
was far from helpful. 
There is still tissue inside my uterus
and unless it makes it's way out 
on it's own I will need a D&C -_-
I haven't had any bleeding in 3 days 
so I am guessing it's not just going to 
come out on it's own. 
I don't want to have a D&C 
But I also don't want this tissue stuck 
in there messing everything up! 

He didn't say much but uhhhh
and welllll 
and well we could try...
Hey buddy! I've been here 2+ years 
you mean to tell me you haven't "tried" 
all your ideas yet?! 
I'm over him. 
I know I said it before 
and I know I said I was going to switch REs before
but this time I am for real. 
I NEED a Dr. that KNOWS ME!
that remembers me! more of a personal connection 
instead of feeling like I'm just another chart to read
two seconds before coming in the room.   
I also need someone who specializes in 
recurrent miscarriages...not someone who 
just tries to push IVF in my face and 
leaves stones unturned!

So here I am again
waiting. 
letting my body and heart heal. 
trying to make sense of everything 
while keeping my head held high. 

Scott has been amazing 
through out everything. 
He is strong, his love holds me together. 
He is the one who gives me the 
strength I have and the will to keep going. 
I know that we can do it. 
I know we can overcome anything. 
I know that this ride sucks and I just 
want to get off. But I also know 
we can't give up. We are so close. 
We will succeed and we will 
hold a child of our own one day. 

For now we will just keep swimming 



The Beginning to the End...







If you follow me on FB or IG 
you've already got the gist of whats been going on. 
If not here's the story, it doesn't have a happy ending
so if you're not in a good place skip this post. 
From Beginning to End. 

Thursday June 5th I hopped in the shower
before bed for some reason I decided to take a hpt. 
I had no clue where I was in my cycle. 
We had done an un-monitored round of 150mg of clomid
in may. I got sick the day of my last dose so I figured I was 
out for the month. I began antibiotics and went on my way. 
We were basically trying a last resort while waiting to start IVF.

When I got out of the shower I glanced at the test 
and put it back on the counter, I picked it back up instantly 
and held it in the light. 
There was a line. a VERY VERY VERY faint line. 
But it was there. I could see it. 
I called for Scott and he could also see it. 
The next morning I took another dollar store test 
and again another faint line.
After years of analyzing tests I decided 
I didn't want to play that game and I would just 
go in for blood work. 
On my way back from the lab I stopped and bought 
3 FRER tests and went straight home to pee on them.
I took one and that was all I needed. 
The faint line was there. barely there. but there. 
Here is where it gets a little confusing. 
I was seeing my OB and my RE at the same time... 
ya I know I'm a cheater. but whatever. 
my OB is the one who prescribed the clomid. 
my RE had no idea :-/ oops. 
after I got the faint line on the FRER I started to panic 
a little knowing that I needed to call my RE 
and get started on progesterone and heprin injections right away. 
They were super nice and agreed to call everything in 
before I even had labs drawn for their office. 
Friday afternoon my OB called 
and said um have you started your period?
que instant panic...
He said that my HCG was a 5 yep FIVE and that
 I was either super early or about to start my period.!
My re had called in labs for Saturday 
Morning. When I arrived at the lab
They were closed. I was scheduled
To go in and take another heprin class
Monday afternoon at 1pm 
So around 8am I ran and got bloodwork
When I arrived to my apt they 
Already had the results my 
Hcg was a 43! 
Progesterone was 25 or something 
I honestly had so many labs 
I don't remember!
At this point my OB was guessing
That I conceived around June 3rd
Because I did an un monitored cycle
We were unsure when I ovulated. 
On June 26th the day before we left for Florida I had an ultrasound
My last labs showed my hcg at 
3925 and the doctors were happy
The ultrasound showed a perfect
Sac and a faint flicker
I measured 5 weeks 3 days
With a due date of
2/23/15

Our trip down to Florida went great
We stopped every two hours
So I could stretch and pee!
On Tuesday morning
I noticed that my boobs weren't as sore
I tried not to freak out but in the 
Back of my mind I was scared
Disappearing symptoms is never good.
By Tuesday evening 
I was feeling very off
I went to the bathroom and noticed
A pea size dot of brown
I kept my cool knowing that 
Brown with no cramping was "ok"
Wednesday things started to slowly 
Go down hill. My boobs were no longer sore at all. My spotting had increased
Turning from brown to pink. 

Thursday the cramps kicked in.
I knew it was over. 
I stayed hopeful for my husband 
And family but in my heart I knew. 

Friday the pink turned red
And I was having constant period cramping. I really did not want to go to 
The ER on the 4th of July and
Decided I would go in the morning.

When I woke up Saturday 
The spotting had pretty much turned to bleeding and the cramps were intense. 
Scott and I arrived at a Florida hospital 
Around 11am, we had the best staff
You could ask for! The pelvic showed
That my cervix was closed but the
Ultrasound showed an empty sac.
I only saw the screen for a second but
The image of that empty black hole
Is burned in my memory.
My stomach was in knots 
Knowing that it was truely over. 
The baby that we had prayed for
The baby that came to us right before
We spent our life savings on IVF
Was gone. Just like that. 

I was sent home with some pain
Medication for the cramping and was told to rest.
When we returned to the hotel 
Scott and I changed and went straight 
To the ocean we floated side by side in silence. 
It was peaceful and at that moment all we wanted was peace.
About 2 hours later I was beginning
To cramp very badly. I couldn't lay or sit. 
I took 2 hot showers on all fours. 
It sadly was the only comfortable position I could find.
 Around 6pm I couldn't take it anymore. The cramps had turned to 
contractions coming every two minutes and lasting about 35-40 seconds. 
My mom and Scott took me back to the ER 
and things quickly turned from bad to worse.
Everything at this point got little fuzzy.
I can't find a word to describe the pain. 
It was the most excruciating pain 
I've ever felt in my life. I couldn't control myself I was screaming, crying and hyperventilating. 
I kneeled backwards 
In the chair when they had to ask all the dumb entry questions 
my blood pressure was extremely low and they worked fast
to get me back into a room. 
I made it to a bed just in time for shift 
Change so the nurse was far from nice 
At this point my body was contracting ever 30 seconds for 2 minutes at a time! 
I felt like I was dying. I was screaming for help 
I just wanted it to stop I remember yelling out that something was wrong 
Something was stuck and I needed help
20 minutes later she finally came in 
With pain meds although sadly they did nothing for me.
 She left and my new 
Nurse arrived his name was Kevin and he was wonderful.
 He rushed to find the dr so he could give me another dose.
 I was now stuck in a constant contraction. 
The tightness felt as it it would rip my 
Insides apart. The second dose was much larger and I felt it right away. 
It dulled the pain but never took it
Completely away. Since I had calmed
Down enough to lay still they decided to do the ultrasound while they could.

The tech was much nicer than the one 
Earlier in the day! The dr feared 
That maybe I had a second embryo in one of my tubes 
so the ultrasound lasted about 30 minutes. 

It was awful, I was drugged and loopy and gushing blood. 
Soon after she was finished the dr came in and said he wanted to do a pelvic 
because he just didn't see anything on the ultrasound 
that was causing me so much pain. 
Two seconds into the exam he asks the nurse for all kinds of tools
I hear him say something's stuck
But I'm drugged and exhausted.
A few minutes later it was over. 

He had removed the embryo and it's surroundings from my cervix. 
It was about the size of a deflated golf ball. 
He later explained that the embryo being stuck in my cervix
 had caused my uterus to Constantly contract 
which explained the crazy amount of pain I was in! 
They gave me one more dose of pain meds and started me on antibiotics.
5 hours later I was back at the hotel
In bed. I was numb. I had no feelings but exhaustion. 
We delayed our leave time 
The next day and decided to make the trip in two days instead of one. 
We arrived home Monday evening. 
Tuesday morning I was scheduled to have an ultrasound at my REs office
But when I woke up I felt very weird and I couldn't breath, 
I couldn't take a deep breath I couldn't catch my breath and I started to panic.
All I could think was that I had a blood clot in my lung. 
My dad rushed over to my house and waited for my mom who then rushed me to the ER. 
I was able to breath better when I got to the ER 
but still wanted to be checked out just in case.
I had an EKG a catscan an xray a pelvic exam 
and a whole panel of bloodwork done.
Everything came back clear. The doctor seemed to think it may have been
a reaction to the pain medication and suggested I switch to motrion. 
Best advice ever. I hated the 
Way the pain meds made me feel. I just wanted to be me again without the pain. 
It's now Sunday night 8 whole days
Later and the bleeding has finally stopped. 
I have a follow up ultrasound tomorrow and hopefully will get some answers 
as to what went wrong. 
Thank you again go everyone that commented and text me after my
Instagram & Facebook post.
Once again I'm not sure 
Where we will go from here. 
But I do know we are fighters & this battle is far from over.




Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Adding to my Resume

I can now officially add
the delivery of 3 healthy adorable kittens to my 
"baby catching resume"
I had a feeling Scrap was pregnant about 3 weeks ago
she had a lot of the google symptoms I had read about
then about a week later her belly popped and 
I could feel the kittens moving! 
She became so close to me in the last two weeks
She would jump on my lap and sprawl out 
so I could rub her big pregnant belly! 
Friday June 20th she was acting 
a little off, being really clingy and not eating at all. 
Scott and I laid down for bed around 10 although 
I just couldn't sleep, I guess I knew the kittens were on their way!
around 12:30 Scrap jumped into bed with us and 
snuggled up right next to me...she NEVER does this, ever. 
She has her own room and likes her space. 
I got up and flipped on the light to find that she was bleeding. 
It was time. 
I got her delivery box and set up the hall bathroom
I put her in and shut the door while I collected 
supplies I might have needed. (remember a few months back 
she had a litter that didnt make it and she needed my help) 
I was prepared for anything this time. 
I  had done my research and was beaming with excitement!
I contemplated leaving her alone so she could do her thing, 
but each time I left the bathroom she would meow and meow
until I returned. I think I made her feel more comfortable.
she contracted for about an hour, she would pace around the box
then come to me for a few head scratches then back to the box. 
at 1:37am the first kitten was born! 

 She spent a good 35-45 minutes cleaning this little one off
during that time I grabbed my pillows and blankets and make 
a small bed in the hall way. I had to be up early to take my parents 
to the airport and I knew I needed a least a few hours of sleep. 
Around 3:40 am I woke to the sound of crying kittens
She had just had the third kitten! 
the second one must have been super quite!
 Kitten 3 is a mini scrap!
Look at this cuteness!
 All three healthy and doing wonderfully!
 Mama and her babies. 
She spent the first two days hardly leaving their side. 
Monday she was back to her old self 
exploring around and eating more food 
than I can keep in her bowl!
I love this sweet picture! 
we like to call this the "superman nurse" pose!

All three kittens have homes lined up 
and will be ready to go in August! 
The orange kitten is going to 
my cousin and her two little girls in Florida!
Miss Mia was so excited when I sent her 
the first pictures of the litter!
I have an adorable video of her asking me for a kitten
and also naming the orange one :) 
video
Sorry it's sideways I'm not sure how to flip it!

 I am hoping they open their eyes before we leave for Florida
this weekend!!! I will be back with more pics and videos soon!